Laughing In The Face Of Death

In times like these, when Congress can’t agree on anything and Michele Bachmann may possibly be the Republican nomination for President, it’s important to laugh. That’s right. Laugh.

Take something that’s literally macabre, like death itself, and find humor in it. No one can escape it and we’ve all got something to say about it. It is devastating when it affects us and our loved ones. But even death can be the subject of light-hearted jokes.

Go into any cemetery and you’ll find tombstones with epitaphs. From the deceased’s lifespan to witty sayings, it is amazing to see what kind of people came and went before us. My favorites are the ones that rhyme, especially ones that are so “bad,” so “politically incorrect,” they’re funny.

I realize that we laugh at things to make them seem less real. Call it a coping mechanism. We’re all going to die eventually;ย We mightย as well accept it, have a good laugh about it and live our lives. So, enjoy some actual epitaphs from around the world. You may even die laughing.

“Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.”

“Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.”

“Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake, But the joke’s on him.”

“I would
rather be here
than in Texas.”

“Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.”

“In memory of Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.”

“Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy – eighteen-forty.”

“Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.”

“Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.”

“Here lies
Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.”

“Reader if cash thou are
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a [John] Penny.”

“Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767”

“Beneath his silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talked to death,
And never before was out of breath.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the eleventh day of May
Began to hold her tongue.”

“Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn’t have time.”

“I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I’ve got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.”

“I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.”

“Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna;
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.”

“Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn’d long time for this vicinity.”

“Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.”

“Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.”

“Dinah had a little can
‘Twas filled with kerosene
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine.”

 

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What NOT To Do At Target: A Guide For Target Shoppers

The world of retail is such a strange place. It is there where humanity’s true, lazy colors shine bright. Everything on this list has happened…and never should have. So, Target shoppers, take my advice and do NOT do what is on this list.

What NOT To Do

– Let your children scream for 30 minutes straight without intervening in their mind-numbing, high-pitched tantrum. It drives everyone nuts

– Let your child lay on the floor as you shop. That’s just sad…and ghetto

– Let your child knock things off the shelves or tables (or mess up the arrangement of those things on the shelf or table) without doing anything. DO be a parent and scold your child…and help them clean up their mess before a Team Member gets to the aisle where you’re at

– Let your child play football and/or horseplay in the main aisle of the store as you shop for cereal. It’s just…..not okay

– Put items like baseball bats and shoes in the freezers or dairy coolers. Take my word, they do not go there

– Put snacks like Oreos on top of the freezers. Yeah…they don’t go there either

– Put everything in your cart that you don’t want all in one (wrong) area of the store. You CAN at least give your loads of unwanted merchandise to the nearest Team Member

– Ask why the unisex, one-room bathroom in the pharmacy is locked. Logic dictates that there is probably somebody else in the bathroom

– Ask where bread is when you’re standing right by the bread aisle. Use the photo-sensitive globes in your skull to see where you’re at

– Call and ask if Target has the number to a completely different store. DO use a computer, phonebook or smartphone for the answer

– Ask why the canned fruit is with the canned vegetables. Yeah…

– Decide you don’t want to walk while you shop so take one of the four scooters in the store from people who actually need one. Seriously, DON’T be so lazy

– Use your EBT (food stamps) card for things like cookies, cakes and candies….and even a few Starbucks drinks from the in-store Starbucks. When you use aid like that, it makes you look like a free-rider with no understanding of what “help” and “aid” mean

– Say things like, “Well, I’ll just go to Wal-Mart.” Trust me, Team Members don’t give a rat’s tail that you are going to Wal-Mart – there’s no need to announce it. As a matter of fact, they want you to leave anyway

– Say things like, “Wal-Mart does it this way.” Target is not Wal-Mart. End of story.

– Decide to have a conversation with five different friends in a single aisle or checklane, hence blocking all traffic and making both shoppers and Team Members angry with you

– Use the in-store stereos in Electronics to blast your favorite type of music for the whole store to hear. DO listen to your iPod with earbuds instead

– Yell things to your kids like, “If you don’t put that down, I’m gonna spank you on the bottom! One…Two…” Other shoppers do not want to hear or see your ghetto fabulous parenting style out in public

– Come to the store in dirty pajamas. You don’t look “fly,” you look like a lazy ass

– Come to the store drunk looking for more alcohol. You’ll get kicked out by the head manager…or security…or both

– Complain that the sale that ended last week is no longer in effect in the current week. That IS how sales work

– Press all the help buttons in a department and run away laughing, thinking you’re so cool. You aren’t. You ARE a dumb ass

 

What To Do

– Use common sense

– Use common sense

– Use common sense

Comical Revision of Genesis

I doubt you’ve ever heard a creation story like this.

Enjoy Michael Shermer’s comical “revision” of the Genesis creation myth:

Genesis Revisited – A Scientific Creation Story

“In the beginning – specifically on October 23, 4004 B.C., at noon – out of quantum foam fluctuation God created the Big Bang, followed by cosmological inflation and an expanding universe. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, so He commanded hydrogen atoms (which He created from Quarks) to fuse and become helium atoms and in the process release energy in the form of light. And the light maker he called the sun, and the process he called fusion. And he saw the light was good because now He could see what he was doing, so he created Earth. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

And God said, Let there be lots of fusion light makers in the sky. Some of these fusion makers He grouped together into collections He called galaxies, and these appeared to be millions and even billions of light years from Earth, which would mean that they were created before the first creation in 4004 B.C. This was confusing, so God created tired light, and the creation story was preserved. And created He many wondrous splendors such as Red Giants, White Dwarfs, Quasars, Pulsars, Supernova, Worm Holes and even Black Holes out of which nothing can escape. But since God cannot be constrained by nothing, He created Hawking radiation through which information can escape from Black Holes. This made God even more tired than tired light, and the evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the continents drift apart by plate tectonics. He decreed sea floor spreading would create zones of emergence, and He caused subduction zones to build mountains and cause earthquakes. In weak points in the crust God created volcanic islands, where the next day He would place organisms that were similar to but different from their relatives on the continents, so that still later created creatures called humans would mistake them for evolved descendants created by adaptive radiation. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God saw that the land was barren, so He created animals bearing their own kind, declaring Thou shalt not evolve into new species, and thy equilibrium shall not be punctuated. And God placed into the rocks, fossils that appeared older than 4004 B.C. that were similar to but different from living creatures. And the sequence resembled descent with modification. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, the fishes. And God created great whales whose skeletal structure and physiology were homologous with the land mammals he would create later that day. God then brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, declaring that microevolution was permitted, but not macroevolution. And God said, Natura non facit saltum – Nature shall not make leaps. And evening and morning were the fifth day.

And God created the pongidids and hominids with 98 percent genetic similarity, naming two of them Adam and Eve. In the book in which God explained how He did all this, in one chapter He said he creates Adam and Even together out of dust at the same time, but in another chapter He said He created Adam first, then later created Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs. This caused confusion in the valley of the shadow of doubt, so God created theologians to sort it out.

And in the ground placed He in abundance teeth, jaws, skulls, and pelvises of transitional fossils from pre-Adamite creatures. One chosen as his special creation He named Lucy, who could walk upright like a human but had a small brain like an ape. And God realized this too was confusing, so he created paleoanthropologists to figure it out.

Just as He was finishing up the loose ends of the creation God realized that Adam’s immediate descendants would not understand inflationary cosmology, global general relativity, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, biochemistry, paleontology, and evolutionary biology, so he created creation myths. But there were so many creation stories throughout the world God realized this too was confusing, so created He anthropologists and mythologists.

By now the valley of the shadow of doubt was overrunneth with skepticism, so God became angry, so angry that God lost His temper and cursed the first humans, telling them to go forth and multiply themselves (but not in those words). But the humans took God literally and now there are six billion of them. And the evening and morning were the sixth day.

By now God was tired, so He proclaimed, “Thank me it’s Friday,” and He made the weekend. It was a good idea.”

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Angry Birds…LIVE! Thank You, T-Mobile

If you haven’t played “Angry Birds” yet, you have been living under a rock. The smash-hit smart phone app-game is simply amazing. Where else can you throw multi-colored birds with special powers into green pigs in elaborately constructed buildings? Exactly! ๐Ÿ˜‰

T-Mobile made this pure awesome-sauce commercial with Angry Birds…in the flesh! ๐Ÿ˜€

 

 

Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member Pt. 2

Here it is, ladies and gentlement, part two of my groundbreaking series on the fabulous and lavish life of a Target Team Member. Enjoy ๐Ÿ˜‰

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This is another one of the people I have become great friends with at Target – Christine. When you hear “spunk”ย or “funny” or “flamboyant,” think of this woman. Here, she is seen oozing glamour ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m not really sure what this poor guest is going for with the whacked-out hair. I saw her talking to one of the Mobile Solutions (cell phone contracts for various brands) representatives and couldn’t help myself. I’m guessing a bag of Cheetos was the inspiration for this….”hairstyle.”

Not only did I find this carton of milk crammed into a smaller slot, I found it on the shelf above its home location. But, I totally understand; Sometimes, that one outstretch of the arm to a foot lower is too much work.

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When I saw this Academy Award-winning blockbuster (for $5 on Blu-Ray) on the shelf, I just had to take a picture. I’m a huge sci-fi fan but I think this movie looks so bad, even the producers of Plan Nine From Outer Space would think it’s a bomb.

 

Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member Pt. 1

I will be periodically adding parts to a new series I’m working on titled “Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member” describing what it’s like to work at a Target store.

Hundreds of thousands of people work at Target stores across the country. I have worked at a local Target since the beginning of my Senior year of high school, over three and a half years ago (and the pay still sucks).

I have had the opportunity to witness one-of-a-kind situations, looney guests, management pitfalls and unforgettable co-workers. It’s been memorable to say the least.

Overall, the experience has been…well…unclassifiable. I’ve made several friends and met some amazing people. I’ve also met people who shouldn’t be allowed in public and others who got promotions for knowing the right people (happens in all jobs, I know…).

So, I figure it’s time that I start journaling my experiences at Target since I love to write and have been there for over three and half years.

Enjoy and always remember: “Can I help you find something?”

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The above photo is of a dear friend of mine. She’s been at the same store I have been at since I started (back when the store opened). Her name is Mary and she’s Catholic. We have an ongoing joke: I come up to her and say, “Hail Mary full of grace,” to which she always replies, “bless you, my child,” while signing the crucifix. She’s a great friend. ๐Ÿ™‚

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This next picture shows part of the breakroom. I know, I know…it’s fit for MTV’s “Cribs.” In fact, it’s so pimpin’, the television antenna has tin foil. What was untended to be a technological breakthrough turned out to be something out of “el barrio”…still with little to no reception.

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This is exactly what it looks like; an aluminum baseball bat put on a milk rack in the milk cooler. I’m not sure what the brilliant guest was thinking (if they even were at all) but apparently, aluminum bats are now considered to be a dairy product. You know it sounds good – eating a new pack of Oreos complete with a nice, ice cold bat.

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I was a little shocked to see this design for a children’s cup. I guess Belle used to be Bill and has yet to fully transition.

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Everyone loves Coffee-mate coffee creamer…even big, intimidating bugs. Luckily, this little-but-big guy was too cold to move since he was in the cooler. He died with something he loved. Heartwarming.

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Target had A LOT of ice cream flavors to choose from. It has cookies ‘n cream, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mint chip…and now introducing “packaged meat.” The guest who put this here is definitely thinking outside the box.

Stay tuned for more additions to this groundbreaking series. ๐Ÿ˜‰