Laughing In The Face Of Death

In times like these, when Congress can’t agree on anything and Michele Bachmann may possibly be the Republican nomination for President, it’s important to laugh. That’s right. Laugh.

Take something that’s literally macabre, like death itself, and find humor in it. No one can escape it and we’ve all got something to say about it. It is devastating when it affects us and our loved ones. But even death can be the subject of light-hearted jokes.

Go into any cemetery and you’ll find tombstones with epitaphs. From the deceased’s lifespan to witty sayings, it is amazing to see what kind of people came and went before us. My favorites are the ones that rhyme, especially ones that are so “bad,” so “politically incorrect,” they’re funny.

I realize that we laugh at things to make them seem less real. Call it a coping mechanism. We’re all going to die eventually; We might as well accept it, have a good laugh about it and live our lives. So, enjoy some actual epitaphs from around the world. You may even die laughing.

“Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.”

“Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.”

“Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake, But the joke’s on him.”

“I would
rather be here
than in Texas.”

“Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.”

“In memory of Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.”

“Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy – eighteen-forty.”

“Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.”

“Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.”

“Here lies
Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.”

“Reader if cash thou are
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a [John] Penny.”

“Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767”

“Beneath his silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talked to death,
And never before was out of breath.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the eleventh day of May
Began to hold her tongue.”

“Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn’t have time.”

“I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I’ve got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.”

“I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.”

“Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna;
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.”

“Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn’d long time for this vicinity.”

“Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.”

“Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.”

“Dinah had a little can
‘Twas filled with kerosene
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine.”

 

What NOT To Do At Target: A Guide For Target Shoppers

The world of retail is such a strange place. It is there where humanity’s true, lazy colors shine bright. Everything on this list has happened…and never should have. So, Target shoppers, take my advice and do NOT do what is on this list.

What NOT To Do

– Let your children scream for 30 minutes straight without intervening in their mind-numbing, high-pitched tantrum. It drives everyone nuts

– Let your child lay on the floor as you shop. That’s just sad…and ghetto

– Let your child knock things off the shelves or tables (or mess up the arrangement of those things on the shelf or table) without doing anything. DO be a parent and scold your child…and help them clean up their mess before a Team Member gets to the aisle where you’re at

– Let your child play football and/or horseplay in the main aisle of the store as you shop for cereal. It’s just…..not okay

– Put items like baseball bats and shoes in the freezers or dairy coolers. Take my word, they do not go there

– Put snacks like Oreos on top of the freezers. Yeah…they don’t go there either

– Put everything in your cart that you don’t want all in one (wrong) area of the store. You CAN at least give your loads of unwanted merchandise to the nearest Team Member

– Ask why the unisex, one-room bathroom in the pharmacy is locked. Logic dictates that there is probably somebody else in the bathroom

– Ask where bread is when you’re standing right by the bread aisle. Use the photo-sensitive globes in your skull to see where you’re at

– Call and ask if Target has the number to a completely different store. DO use a computer, phonebook or smartphone for the answer

– Ask why the canned fruit is with the canned vegetables. Yeah…

– Decide you don’t want to walk while you shop so take one of the four scooters in the store from people who actually need one. Seriously, DON’T be so lazy

– Use your EBT (food stamps) card for things like cookies, cakes and candies….and even a few Starbucks drinks from the in-store Starbucks. When you use aid like that, it makes you look like a free-rider with no understanding of what “help” and “aid” mean

– Say things like, “Well, I’ll just go to Wal-Mart.” Trust me, Team Members don’t give a rat’s tail that you are going to Wal-Mart – there’s no need to announce it. As a matter of fact, they want you to leave anyway

– Say things like, “Wal-Mart does it this way.” Target is not Wal-Mart. End of story.

– Decide to have a conversation with five different friends in a single aisle or checklane, hence blocking all traffic and making both shoppers and Team Members angry with you

– Use the in-store stereos in Electronics to blast your favorite type of music for the whole store to hear. DO listen to your iPod with earbuds instead

– Yell things to your kids like, “If you don’t put that down, I’m gonna spank you on the bottom! One…Two…” Other shoppers do not want to hear or see your ghetto fabulous parenting style out in public

– Come to the store in dirty pajamas. You don’t look “fly,” you look like a lazy ass

– Come to the store drunk looking for more alcohol. You’ll get kicked out by the head manager…or security…or both

– Complain that the sale that ended last week is no longer in effect in the current week. That IS how sales work

– Press all the help buttons in a department and run away laughing, thinking you’re so cool. You aren’t. You ARE a dumb ass

 

What To Do

– Use common sense

– Use common sense

– Use common sense

Comical Revision of Genesis

I doubt you’ve ever heard a creation story like this.

Enjoy Michael Shermer’s comical “revision” of the Genesis creation myth:

Genesis Revisited – A Scientific Creation Story

“In the beginning – specifically on October 23, 4004 B.C., at noon – out of quantum foam fluctuation God created the Big Bang, followed by cosmological inflation and an expanding universe. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, so He commanded hydrogen atoms (which He created from Quarks) to fuse and become helium atoms and in the process release energy in the form of light. And the light maker he called the sun, and the process he called fusion. And he saw the light was good because now He could see what he was doing, so he created Earth. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

And God said, Let there be lots of fusion light makers in the sky. Some of these fusion makers He grouped together into collections He called galaxies, and these appeared to be millions and even billions of light years from Earth, which would mean that they were created before the first creation in 4004 B.C. This was confusing, so God created tired light, and the creation story was preserved. And created He many wondrous splendors such as Red Giants, White Dwarfs, Quasars, Pulsars, Supernova, Worm Holes and even Black Holes out of which nothing can escape. But since God cannot be constrained by nothing, He created Hawking radiation through which information can escape from Black Holes. This made God even more tired than tired light, and the evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the continents drift apart by plate tectonics. He decreed sea floor spreading would create zones of emergence, and He caused subduction zones to build mountains and cause earthquakes. In weak points in the crust God created volcanic islands, where the next day He would place organisms that were similar to but different from their relatives on the continents, so that still later created creatures called humans would mistake them for evolved descendants created by adaptive radiation. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God saw that the land was barren, so He created animals bearing their own kind, declaring Thou shalt not evolve into new species, and thy equilibrium shall not be punctuated. And God placed into the rocks, fossils that appeared older than 4004 B.C. that were similar to but different from living creatures. And the sequence resembled descent with modification. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creatures that hath life, the fishes. And God created great whales whose skeletal structure and physiology were homologous with the land mammals he would create later that day. God then brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, declaring that microevolution was permitted, but not macroevolution. And God said, Natura non facit saltum – Nature shall not make leaps. And evening and morning were the fifth day.

And God created the pongidids and hominids with 98 percent genetic similarity, naming two of them Adam and Eve. In the book in which God explained how He did all this, in one chapter He said he creates Adam and Even together out of dust at the same time, but in another chapter He said He created Adam first, then later created Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs. This caused confusion in the valley of the shadow of doubt, so God created theologians to sort it out.

And in the ground placed He in abundance teeth, jaws, skulls, and pelvises of transitional fossils from pre-Adamite creatures. One chosen as his special creation He named Lucy, who could walk upright like a human but had a small brain like an ape. And God realized this too was confusing, so he created paleoanthropologists to figure it out.

Just as He was finishing up the loose ends of the creation God realized that Adam’s immediate descendants would not understand inflationary cosmology, global general relativity, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, biochemistry, paleontology, and evolutionary biology, so he created creation myths. But there were so many creation stories throughout the world God realized this too was confusing, so created He anthropologists and mythologists.

By now the valley of the shadow of doubt was overrunneth with skepticism, so God became angry, so angry that God lost His temper and cursed the first humans, telling them to go forth and multiply themselves (but not in those words). But the humans took God literally and now there are six billion of them. And the evening and morning were the sixth day.

By now God was tired, so He proclaimed, “Thank me it’s Friday,” and He made the weekend. It was a good idea.”

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Angry Birds…LIVE! Thank You, T-Mobile

If you haven’t played “Angry Birds” yet, you have been living under a rock. The smash-hit smart phone app-game is simply amazing. Where else can you throw multi-colored birds with special powers into green pigs in elaborately constructed buildings? Exactly! 😉

T-Mobile made this pure awesome-sauce commercial with Angry Birds…in the flesh! 😀

 

 

Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member Pt. 2

Here it is, ladies and gentlement, part two of my groundbreaking series on the fabulous and lavish life of a Target Team Member. Enjoy 😉

 

 

 

This is another one of the people I have become great friends with at Target – Christine. When you hear “spunk” or “funny” or “flamboyant,” think of this woman. Here, she is seen oozing glamour 🙂

I’m not really sure what this poor guest is going for with the whacked-out hair. I saw her talking to one of the Mobile Solutions (cell phone contracts for various brands) representatives and couldn’t help myself. I’m guessing a bag of Cheetos was the inspiration for this….”hairstyle.”

Not only did I find this carton of milk crammed into a smaller slot, I found it on the shelf above its home location. But, I totally understand; Sometimes, that one outstretch of the arm to a foot lower is too much work.

 

When I saw this Academy Award-winning blockbuster (for $5 on Blu-Ray) on the shelf, I just had to take a picture. I’m a huge sci-fi fan but I think this movie looks so bad, even the producers of Plan Nine From Outer Space would think it’s a bomb.

 

Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member Pt. 1

I will be periodically adding parts to a new series I’m working on titled “Bullseye: Adventures of a Target Team Member” describing what it’s like to work at a Target store.

Hundreds of thousands of people work at Target stores across the country. I have worked at a local Target since the beginning of my Senior year of high school, over three and a half years ago (and the pay still sucks).

I have had the opportunity to witness one-of-a-kind situations, looney guests, management pitfalls and unforgettable co-workers. It’s been memorable to say the least.

Overall, the experience has been…well…unclassifiable. I’ve made several friends and met some amazing people. I’ve also met people who shouldn’t be allowed in public and others who got promotions for knowing the right people (happens in all jobs, I know…).

So, I figure it’s time that I start journaling my experiences at Target since I love to write and have been there for over three and half years.

Enjoy and always remember: “Can I help you find something?”

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The above photo is of a dear friend of mine. She’s been at the same store I have been at since I started (back when the store opened). Her name is Mary and she’s Catholic. We have an ongoing joke: I come up to her and say, “Hail Mary full of grace,” to which she always replies, “bless you, my child,” while signing the crucifix. She’s a great friend. 🙂

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This next picture shows part of the breakroom. I know, I know…it’s fit for MTV’s “Cribs.” In fact, it’s so pimpin’, the television antenna has tin foil. What was untended to be a technological breakthrough turned out to be something out of “el barrio”…still with little to no reception.

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This is exactly what it looks like; an aluminum baseball bat put on a milk rack in the milk cooler. I’m not sure what the brilliant guest was thinking (if they even were at all) but apparently, aluminum bats are now considered to be a dairy product. You know it sounds good – eating a new pack of Oreos complete with a nice, ice cold bat.

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I was a little shocked to see this design for a children’s cup. I guess Belle used to be Bill and has yet to fully transition.

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Everyone loves Coffee-mate coffee creamer…even big, intimidating bugs. Luckily, this little-but-big guy was too cold to move since he was in the cooler. He died with something he loved. Heartwarming.

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Target had A LOT of ice cream flavors to choose from. It has cookies ‘n cream, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, mint chip…and now introducing “packaged meat.” The guest who put this here is definitely thinking outside the box.

Stay tuned for more additions to this groundbreaking series. 😉

 

Jon Stewart Nailed It…

Comedian Jon Stewart is spot-on. This past weekend, at his Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in Washington D.C., he criticized the media for exaggerating and polarizing Americans’ opinions. His message: We’re different and yet we still work together despite the reports.

“We live in hard times, not end times,” Stewart said. “We can have animus and not be enemies.”

Of course, partisans on both sides claimed he was an ill-informed commentator. Yes, people who have divided and polarized the country criticized a man for trying to unify the country into one people. Who’s the comedian again?

Most Americans know that our problems will not be solved overnight and that real change comes through working together.

“There will always be darkness and sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land,” to which Stewart comically added, “Sometimes, it’s New Jersey.”

Despite the media’s portrayal of racists, homophobes, Marxists, and Stalinists, we work together “every damn day” and make this country work.

In fact, when we call each other names, like “bigot” and “Marxist,” we insult people we disagree with and completely miss true dialogue.

“If we amplify everything, we hear nothing,” said Stewart.

The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear was designed to literally restore sanity to political dialogue, not demonize or insult anyone of any particular ideology (unless, of course, your ideology thrives on division and strife).

Stewart said it perfectly:

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate, and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done. But the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day. The only place we don’t is here [in Washington] or on cable TV.”

 

 

Michele Bachmann’s Crazy World

I didn’t really pay much attention to far-right Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann until I read some of the things she’s said.

Now, I’m sure she’s a nice person and I’m pretty certain she means well. But some of her outlandish statements cannot be ignored…so I decided to write a blog post on the more “memorable” ones.

This snippet explains her view – and denial – of global warming…

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

Okay, so she ignored the mountains of evidence from countless experts in their respected fields in the area of climate change. But wait…it gets better…

‎”I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

I should note that during the 1976 outbreak, Republican President Gerald Ford was in power.

Then, there’s her insistence that many Nobel Prize-h0lding scientists believe in Intelligent Design (aka “creationism”)…

‎”There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”

Since the overwhelming majority of scientists who hold Nobel Prizes are either not religious or atheists, I find it incredibly hard to believe that there are several who are creationists. Regardless of how you feel about the issue, Bachmann should have done her homework before citing imaginary statistics.

Another fumble-with-the-facts statement made by Bachmann…

‎”I don’t know where they’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.”

Interesting: studies over the past half century have actually shown that of the three groups – rich, middle class, poor – it has been the rich who have been the best off. During good times and bad, the rich are able to survive better than any of us…although they may have to “sacrifice” a yacht.

And of course there’s Ms. Bachmann’s not-so-subtle homophobia. She’s made some rather insulting remarks about homosexuals over the years, essentially calling them mentally ill degenerates. But the following quote reveals how deep her paranoia is…

“…what a bizarre time we’re in…when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”

So, in a society where an overwhelming majority of the population is heterosexual and portrayals of romance in the media are overwhelmingly heterosexual, Bachmann believes that treating all people equally under the eyes of the law will lead to judges telling us to try gay sex. Makes perfect sense…

As comical as this list of quotes is, it is also frightening. These wacky statements were not made by a town drunk, Glenn Beck or Tony Perkins but by a congresswoman. This woman is one of the few people running the country. My two cents: That should scare anyone.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN)